We are 3 months into the new year and this year has started at warp speed. So much has happened and so much hasn't happened since my last post. Some days it felt like I was a willing participant in my life and others felt as if I was being held hostage-willingly and against my will. Someone knows what I'm talking about.
I have so much to be thankful for in just the first 3 months of 2015. I am thankful for the lessons I've learned, the connections I've made, for the people in my life, as well as ways being made. I have learned oodles about networking, how to take my event planning business up a notch, and how NOT to do business on an international level. I was blessed to be involved in a televised Super Bowl event! Even saw my name roll in the credits-how awesome is that! All because of a personal connection I hold dear to my heart. I am grateful that through all of this, my husband has been able to holdus down on his income. However, I am not one to twist the concept of where my blessings truly flow; I know God was the one seeing us through, without Him none of this is possible. These were moments I was an active and willing participant in my life.
Even with all that I've learned and have been apart of, there were days I still felt inept to deal with my vision. With all the hurriedness of the holiday season rolling into me being gone for my paying gig the first week of the new year barreling right on into the Super Bowl, I never took the time to address that. What is that? That thing called uncertainty. Or more bluntly put the "what ifs". For the first time in my professional career I am not punching a time clock, I'm not sitting in an office or a break room, I'm participating in a code, I'm not running the very pregnant person up to OB before she delivers, I'm not medicating, bathing, or talking to a patient, I'm not grading papers, care plans, or clinical work (OK. I'm really notbummed about the grading part.), I'm not sitting in meetings that seem as if they would never end, I am sitting at home. I am sitting at home not because I was laid off or because I am on paid leave-I'm home because I chose to be.
I'm not second guessing my decision. I prayed about it, talked to my husband about, I even did the financial planning for it, I made it and I stand by it. I like being an independent consultant for a major company. I get to travel around the country to help nursing students review for their national licensure exam, I make my own schedule, and I'm also finding out that no matter what region of the country I'm in nursing students are all the same. I wanted to have my own business, so I took the plunge and started my own company. If all of this is gravy and I stand firm in my decision, then what's all this about? It's about that. The things we do not say out loud, the things we don't even tell our spouses, the things you smile through when you really want to have a full blown toddler tantrum, that's what it's about.
What if I can only work once a month? What if there are months when no one is having reviews? What if my business does not work out? What if I only book 1-2 events this year? What if my income is not sufficient to help keep us afloat? What if I keep blogging and no one reads it? What if nothing I chose to do pans out? What if I have to go back to a traditional 9-5? What if this, what if that. It got so bad I almost gave up. My office, my creative space looked a hot mess (I'm being generous with the description), I did not think about my business, I did not have one scheduled review for the month of February. I'm home all day and my husband works from home- didn't even think about that part. My life became cooking, cleaning, keeping a handle on the bills, and directing my adult children through the maze of their lives. This IS NOT THE LIFE I PLANNED. I do believe I teetered into the foggy land of depression.
So what do I do? Book a trip to Atlanta to celebrate my birthday with my sisters. We stayed with my youngest son and had a ball!! He has the proverbial young man's apartment. No furniture, but his bedroom was fully furnished. No food in the frig, except for what his friend made for us. Only two sets of towels for 4 people and the cheapest cooking pans I've ever seen in my life, yet he was happy and proud to have a place he can call his own. In this moment, I remembered the simple things in life. I remembered how good God has been to me and my family. When I was his age, I was a struggling college student with 2 children to support. Everything I got I scrapped and scratched for it; my parents weren't helping me the way we are able to help our children. Remembering how hungry I was to make it so my children didn't have to struggle caused a stirring in my spirit. I had no time for what ifs. I literally told myself 'Ain't nobody got time for that! You didn't cry and whine then so why are you doing it now?". I needed to pause, reflect and refocus.
During my quiet time the Lord revealed something to me, my "that" I was struggling with was really unbelief. It wasn't a lack of faith. I stepped out on faith to be able to pursue all the things I secretly desired. I just didn't believe it could happen to me. My dreams are right before me and I am choosing to doubt not only my abilities, but the God in me as well. My divine revelation turned into new found inspiration. In the middle of having a simple conversation, I ended up promoting my business along with courting a potential client. I didn't get the contract, but I put my company's name out there. I came home with a fresh perspective.
My office has been cleaned, reorganized, and the creative juices are flowing. As for that thing I was struggling with. Even without having one review for the month of February all bills were paid on time, I traveled to Atlanta for my birthday, and helped my son acquire some of the necessities of life. I was blessed to see another year as well as celebrate with my family and friends. When I returned home my husband blessed me with more birthday surprises. So what if no one reads my blog! It's therapeutic for me. 1-2 events this year for a spanking brand new company are better than none. Mybusiness will prosper because I was created to prosper. It is a blessing to have a home to cook meals in, clean in, and a blessing to be in a position to pay our bills as well as have all my needs met. Nonetheless, most of all it's comforting to know God still loves me through my weak moments.
Now if I could just muster up the same awe-inspiring motivation for my laundry. All I can say is yea, about that.........
Be Blessed Allison