It's been 7 whole months almost 8 since my last posting. Things have changed so much for me! My life has taken a turn I've always wanted; but now that I'm here I've never felt so misplaced in my life. Watch what you pray for, because when God answers you have to be ready. So ready or not I have to put my big girl faith panties on and walk this thing out.
Since my previous post I've left my job, started my own company, and became an independent contractor. I should be excited about all of these new endeavors, but I'm not. I mean I can't even keep up with a blog, so how in the world am I suppose to wear all of these hats? Everything I secretly whispered I wanted to do is finally at my fingertips, but I'm the epitome of effortlessness. I'm going through the motions of making my dreams come true; however I am not in the moment. Who does that? We do. Women we must do better when good things come our way.
My epiphany came as I was catching up on episodes of The Real. The ladies shared the baggage each of them carries and how said baggage is still affecting their daily lives. As I'm listening to each of these gorgeous successful women discuss the damage of internalizing the opinions of others as well as those we create for ourselves; I felt pained. Looking at each of the women on the show you would never have known the battles they were fighting in their minds. I'm fighting the same battle-but why? I've conquered and overcome things that should have taken me out, yet now I feel like I'm cowering in a corner scared of my looming success.
Please excuse my Color Purple moment, however it is the truth. All my life I had to fight to establish that I belonged. As a child I was much smaller than my counterparts, I had my first fight in second grade because a classmate thought I was her personal human dress up doll. I was a late bloomer wearing coke bottle glasses, so the boys were never checking for me. My mother dressed me in bobby socks, patent leather shoes, and pigtails until I was 12 or 13. All my friends were in stockings, heels, and bras. How do you compete with that? You don't, you act out to prove you are more than just one of the guys. I'll save some of those stories for later. Needless to say my self-esteem was garbage. Once I bloomed, lost the glasses, socks, and patent leather shoes thangs changed. But as we all know, there is always someone prettier, smarter, and taller than you. I struggled to be secure in my own skin. Fast forward to nursing school. I felt I had to prove I was just as smart, if not smarter than the person next to me. I always thought I had to be 3 steps ahead as I'm working on the 4th step. This attitude has followed me into my professional life. Thus, I have an unwritten set of rules I hold myself to and do not deviate from them. Needless to say, because of these rules I've done fairly well in my chosen profession. I've made a decent name for myself along with creating a nice living for my family. If I have accomplished all of this, then why can't I walk strongly and proudly into the next phase of my life? Becuase of everything I just mentioned.
Am I really comfortable in my own skin? Do I really have what it takes to reach for the stars? What will "they" say if I fail? Should I just go back to teaching? Or maybe I just need to take a position in somebody's ED (emergency department). Will this really work? Who's going to hire me as their event planner? Why would they hire me? And the list can go on forever, but it won't. My fight is over. The answers to these questions do not matter. You see all of these are projections of nothing but fear. Fear of the unknown. Nonetheless, I shalt not possess and declare the spirit of fear! I am more than worthy of the success standing in front of me.
Therefore I will boldly go forth and pursue my dreams. I will keep my head up high and be the strong courageous woman God has made me to be. How can I encourage my children and granddaughter to reach for the stars when I'm scared to look out the window to see the splendor set before me. Every day I will renew my mind as I think of all the blessings and goodness surrounding me. In hindsight, I think I will answer those questions. I am sooo comfortable in my skin. I LOVE me some ME. I have what it takes to reach Mars if I wanted to. Don't know who "they" are and I don't care what they think. I still teach but on my own terms and I love it! Shout out to all the ED nurses in the world! However, my time has come and gone, no worries I'm cool with that. Of course, this will work! How could it not? I've sat at the feet of some great event planners. I learned from the best. My company handled our first wedding in September and I'm currently working on the next project. Greatness is in my blood, it's what I do. Hello y'all I'M HERE!
I hope as you read this you declared the battle in your mind over. I hope you will proclaim yourself victorious and will take a chance on you. The only person who is stopping you is you. The only person holding the keys to your happiness and success is you. Go ahead, do the thing(s) you've been talking yourself out of for the last umpteen years. Take a deep breath, exhale, now go for it!!
Go ahead I dare ya!